Last Object on Earth

Script
[In a desolate small town, a man and his dog are running for their lives, being pursued by ghosts.] Colonel Calloway: "More ghosts, better put a little distance between us." ''[Calloway slides across a puddle and grabs the leash of his dog. He throws it around a tree and attaches the other end to a tree across the road. The ghosts get closer, growling and snarling, then Calloway grabs the leash and uses it to slingshot the ghosts away.] "Well Goldilocks, looks like we just gave ourselves a new leash'' on life." ''[Goldilocks barks, liking the joke. The whole thing is a movie being watched by Winner and Loser.]'' Loser: "Colonel Calloway is such a boss! Taking out ghosts, and lightening the mood." [There's a growl on the TV.] TV Announcer: "Swarm of the Ghosts will return after these messages. And stick around, the all-night movie marathon continues with parts two through five." Winner: "We're not going anywhere." [The boys clink their juice boxes and drink when suddenly, the lights come on.] Gaty: "Alright my little ghost heads, let's go, time for bed." Loser: [Confident] "Mmm-hmm." Winner: "Okay, Friends. Come on, Loser." [Walks off] Loser: "Wait, what?" [Follows Winner] Gaty: "I said, it's t-" [Realizes] "Wow, that was easier than I expected. [The boys are heading upstairs.] Oh, wait, Loser, I promised your friends a timestamped picture of you on your way to bed, here we go." ''[He takes the photo. The boys enter Winner's room.]'' Loser: "I can't believe you gave up so fast, Winner, I was expecting a big protest with slides, and maybe even some well-timed tears." Winner: "No need for that my friend, because I knew this would happen, and I have a backup plan: we're gonna sneak out and watch the rest of the marathon in Ruru's bunker." Loser: "Great idea, but how are we gonna break through her security system?" Winner: "Oh please, the code is her birthday. Ruru may be a genius, but she's terrible at creating passcodes." ''[Winner opens the panel behind his 'Amazing Space' poster and pulls the cord. His inflatable slide opens up, and the boys slide down it.]''

[The boys are in Ruru's bunker, it's 12:15 AM.] TV Announcer: "And now, back to Swarm of the Ghosts Part Two: Runaway Floating Sheets." Colonel Calloway: "We may not be able to stop these freaks, but we can slow them down." ''[He takes a barrel of toxic sludge and props it onto the door, he and Goldilocks run for cover. A ghost enters, but the sludge eats right through hands, and he passes out. 2:20 AM.]'' TV Announcer: "We now return to Part Three: Floating Sheet Man." [Calloway is trying to hold a door shut, but the ghosts are very strong.] Colonel Calloway: "Don't worry, nobody's getting into our secret hideout, Goldilocks." ''[Goldilocks tosses Calloway a talkie, Calloway stops it with his knee and kicks it up and out of the hideout, it lands a distance away. Calloway talks into the other one.] "Hey ghosts, got some fresh sheets for you, skull to table''." ''[The ghosts hear this from the talkie Calloway kicked out and go over to where the sound came from, Goldilocks and Calloway high five each other. 4:45 AM.]'' TV Announcer: "Now, back to Part Four: Citizen Floating Sheet." ''[Calloway and Goldilocks are climbing an oil tower, and kick a barrel sending the oncoming ghosts over a cliff, Winner and Loser high five. 6:55 AM.] "And now, back to the exciting conclusion of Part Five: Nothing Ventured Nothing Floated''." [The ghosts are all stuffed into a rocket.] Colonel Calloway: [Holding the remote] "Wanna do the honors, Goldilocks?" ''[Goldilocks hits the button, and the ghosts are sent into space, the exhaust smoke reads 'the end..?'. Winner and Loser cheer.]'' Winner: "I knew they could do it!" [Suddenly he sees the time.] "Ooh, it's 7:00 AM, we better sneak back up to my room." [They poke their heads through the entrance to the bunker, and then the back door, and find the kitchen empty.] "Oh, good, no one's up yet." ''[They continue through the house, and grow confused when they can't find anyone. They notice that G the Letter and E the Letter's bedroom is empty, yet a mess.]'' Winner: "Hmm, I guess they are up." Loser: "Pretty early for a Saturday, isn't it?" Winner: "I wonder where they are." [The boys look downstairs, and check the parents' bedroom.] "Mom?! Friends?!" [The bed is unmade, but the room is empty.] "They're gone too? I'd better call them." [Takes out his phone] "Huh, no service." Loser: [Tries turning on the lamp.] "No electricity either." [They go outside and find the whole street is empty and eerily gloomy, the only sound is a window shutter.] Winner: "This is weird, come on." [They run next door to Leafy's house, the front door is wide open.] "Leafy?" [The house is in the same state at thes, a big mess, but totally empty.] Loser: "His place is empty too, and it looks like he left in a hurry." [The boys run through the streets, checking other houses, but eventually return to Winner's.] Winner: "Hmm, empty houses, abandoned streets, no power. If I didn't know better, I'd swear we woke up in a ghost apocalypse." Loser: "Ha, that's funny. It does kinda look like it, the only thing missing is an actual-" [Suddenly they hear growling, they look over and see a sheet-covered figure slowly approaching them, and gulp in fear, with dramatic music playing.] Winner and Loser: "Ghost!" Winner: "Run!" ''[The boys run for it, and hide behind a fence. The music stops and the ghost is nowhere in sight.]'' Loser: "We lost it, but who knows how many more are out here?" [Gasps in despair] "Do you think they got our friends?" Winner: "I doubt it. G the Letter's a blackbelt and Gaty's a biter." Loser: "Yeah, and my friends are really tough. They once fought off fifty angry shoppers for antique candelabra." [Brief silence] Winner: "Listen, Loser, we knew this day would come. Right now, let's get to our secret hideout for supplies and ghost-fighting gear." Loser: "Good call." Both: [As they roll out] "WL." ''[The run through the streets, keeping out of sight, while looking out for more ghosts. They stop in front of Burger King.]'' Loser: "Mind if we stop at Burger King? I need to use the bathroom. I know it's for paying customers," [Sweats] "but I really have to go." Winner: "It's the apocalypse, Loser. I think that rule is out the window." [The boys enter the restaurant, and find it empty.] Loser: "Huh, looks like everyone left here in a hurry, too." Winner: [Quivers] "Or were attacked by ghosts." [Sees Loser's not next to him.] "Loser?" [Winner follows Loser into the bathroom when there's a wailing outside.] "The ghosts." Loser: [Zips up] "Never mind, I'll pee later!" [The boys look around, and see the window is open.] Winner: "Remember what Colonel Calloway said? We might not be able to stop them, but we can slow 'em down." ''[Winner grabs the garbage can and props it on the door, Loser is struggling to climb through the window, Winner gives him a boost, and follows after him. They land outside and hear the sound of their trap being sprung, they're pleased by this.]'' Loser: [Offers a fist bump] "WL." Winner: [Returns it] "WL." [They explode their fists.]

[Later, they arrive at Ice Cube's, and look inside.] Winner: "Okay, Ice Cube's looks ghost free." [They grab random items from off the shelves.] "Grab what you can, I put a ton of cheese and crackers in our secret hideout, but that was like, five years ago." Ice Cube: "Freeze bozos!" [The boys get startled, flail their arms and drop everything.] "There are no freebies in Ice Cube's house." Winner & Loser: [Hopeful] "Ice Cube." Loser: "He's alive!" [They head for the backroom, but stop when they hear Ice Cube again.] Ice Cube: "Freeze bozos!" Winner & Loser: "Huh?" [Ice Cube's voice was revealed to be a tape recording.] Recording: "There are no freebies in Ice Cube's house." Loser: "Do you think the ghosts got him?" Winner: "I hope not. He's got the secret recipe for flippees." ''[They gasp when they hear a wailing outside, they look and see a sheet-covered figure bent over behind the counter. They also see the nacho machine, Loser gives a signal, they swing on some bunting and kick the cheese at the sheet-covered figure.]'' Loser: "Eat congealed cheese, ghost!" [The boys make a run for it.]

[The boys make it to Tall Timbers Park, and keep out of sight until they find their secret hideout.] Winner: "Quick! Into the secret hideout." ''[He pulls some branches out from an opening to a cave hidden behind a large boulder and he and Loser enter. In their hideout, Loser checks the snacks, while Winner tunes their radio. There's a noise-making Loser scream.]'' Winner: [Regarding the radio] "Ooh, I think we got something." Two: "This is Two, if there are any stragglers out there, I urge you to please come to the mall." [The radio jumps as Gaty speaks.] Gaty: "Winner! Loser! She's talking to YOU! GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN HERE!" Gaty: "Gaty! Give that back to the mayor." Winner: [Punching his arms up in the air.] "Yes!" Loser: [Punching his arms across the air] "Our friends are okay! [They stop] Now, we just need to get to them." [Attempts to move the boulder.] Winner: [Stops him] "Loser, wait." ''[Scary music plays as more wailing is heard outside. The boys look at each other in fear.]'' Loser: "More ghosts?! What do we do? [Has an idea] I know, throw our spiciest jerky at them and give them heartburn." 'Winner: "Or," [picks up their walkie talkies.] "We borrow another move from Colonel Calloway." ''[With a grunt, he throws the other talkie through the opening above the boulder, and it lands in the bushes outside. Two sheet-covered figures are there.]'' Loser: [Through the talkie] "Fresh sheets over here, and you're gonna wanna munch on mine, I just aced my math test." [They hear the ghosts moving the other way.] Winner: "Let's move." [They pack their gear.] "Good job on that test, by the way, I know you studied really hard." [The boys exit the hideout and run into the forest, they look back and see a sheet-covered figure behind them.] "Another ghost! We gotta lose it; or we'll be leading it straight to our friends!" Loser: "Quick, grab a branch!" [The boys grab some low branches and pull them back, the sheet-covered figure approaches.] "Now!" ''[They let go of the branches. The sheet-covered figure screams as he is propelled away.]'' Winner: "Ghosties away." [They run off.]

''[They run past the supermarket, and see another sheet-covered figure in front of them. Loser jumps into Winner's arms and they run inside. They peek out from behind the crate of watermelons.]'' Winner: [Looks around] "Quick, open that freezer door." ''[Loser does so, then Winner tips over an icebox and ducks behind the counter. The sheet-covered figure enters and slips on the ice; he lands in the freezer and the boys shut him in.]'' "Let's get to the mall." [They run, but slip on the ice on their way out.]

[They run into a construction site, see three sheet-covered figures headed their way, and dive behind a pile of bricks.] Loser: "Even more ghosts? It's like they're multiplying." [Winner notices a dumpster nearby and has an idea.] Winner: "Come on! I've got an idea." ''[He pulls Loser away. One ghost wails as he points. Inside the dumpster are two pillows with construction helmets, Loser's glasses and the boys' shirts. The ghosts growl and cast a shadow over the fake models. Nearby, the real Winner and Loser are without their shirts, and holding a steel girder.]'' "Time to take out the trash." [With a war cry and all their might the boys run with the girder to ram the dumpster away, taking the ghosts with it.] "Come on, let's go!" [The dumpster rolls away, and Winner puts a new orange polo on.] "Good thing we kept backup clothes in the secret hideout." Loser: [Catches up with Winner, wearing a lavender button-down and a red bowtie.] "Yeah, but I wish I hadn't gone so formal. [Winner stops, and Loser runs right into him, the mall is right there.] Winner: "There's the mall! We made it!" [Just then, the dumpster makes a 180 degree turnaround at the roundabout. The boys notice it heading right for them. A ghost growls and raises his arm off the lid of the dumpster. The boys scream and dive into a bush, covering their heads with leaves.] "Dang it, we forgot the roundabout at 4th and Maple!" [The dumpster stops at the steps of the mall, and the sheet-covered figures blast their way out of the dumpster, standing up.] Loser: "Oh no, we doomed our friends!" Winner: "It's not too late! We can still stop them from getting inside. Let's gear up!" [Goes into the bush.] Loser: "Right, sheet protectors." [They come out of the bush wearing colander helmets, and holding squirt guns.] Winner: Here goes, everything." ''[The boys let out a battle cry and charge. The three sheet-covered figures see Winner and Loser running towards them, firing their squirt guns. One sheet-covered figure gets the juice in his mouth and falls over, the boys keep charging, their colanders fall over their eyes, another sheet-covered figure gets the juice in his eye and yells. All three sheet-covered figures walk to the boys.]'' Loser: "We're out of juice!" Winner: "Forget the blasters, hand to hand combat!" [With the colanders still over their eyes, the boys jump on the sheet-covered figures and start beating them up, until they hear a familiar voice.] Gaty: "Winner! Loser!" [The two remove the colanders, and see all the females, Two, Leafy, and various others.] "You're hurting your friends!" Winner & Loser: "Huh?" [They turn around and see the sheet-covered figures are indeed their own friends, who are in serious pain; they gasp at this exposition, and run up to them.] Winner: [In unison] "Sorry, Friends." Loser: [In unison] "Sorry Friends." Winner: "We thought you were ghosts. We've been fighting them all day." Coiny: [Strained with a raspy voice] "No you haven't, you've been fighting us." Winner & Loser: "What?" Tree: [Also strained] "We've been trying to find you. See, there was a big storm last night." ''[Flashback to last night. Two is on the TV news.]'' Two: "This is Two, I urge all citizens of Goiky to evacuate to the mall." [The girls frantically make a run for Vanzilla.] "We have supplies and a generator so you can wait out the storm there." ''[The signal goes out. Gaty is loading the girls in the van, Coiny approaches her.]'' Coiny: "I can't find Winner and Loser! Take the girls to the mall, the McBrides and I will find the boys." ''[Gaty gets in the van and Coiny takes off. End flashback.]'' Coiny: "We've been chasing you, boys, all over town, yelling our voices out." Loser: "So all the ghosts we thought we attacked were really [gulps] you guys?" ''[The friends agree and have the injuries to prove it. The boys look at each other feeling guilty and ashamed.]'' "Wow, we're really sorry." Gaty: "So where were you during the storm?" Winner: [Meekly] "Uh, [nervously chuckles] watching the 'Swarm of the Ghosts' marathon in Ruru's bunker." Ruru: [Aghast] "What?! Impossible! How did you crack my passcode?" Everyone else: "It's your birthday." Ruru: "Dang it." Gaty: "Normally, we would punish you for sneaking out of the house like that, but I think you've been through enough today." Coiny: [Aghast] "They've been through enough?! I've got melted cheese everywhere!" [Slaps some out of his ear.] Winner: "We're really sorry about that, Friends." Loser: "And the ice at the grocery store." Winner: "And the branches at the park." Loser: "And the garbage can at Burger King." [The boys sheepishly smile.] Tree: [Confused] "I didn't go to Burger King." Coiny: "Neither did I." Liy: "Neither did I." [Everyone is speechless, wondering who was at Burger King.]

''[Another lightning strike sounds. At Burger King, there is another sheet-covered figure with a ghost-like appearance and making munching sounds. The sheet-covered figure takes a piece of what looks like it's own head, and the lights come on revealing it to just be Ice Cube, the ghost head being the garbage the boys dumped on him.]'' Ice Cube: [With no regrets, belches.] "Oh yeah! Free burgers! they might be cold, but Ice Cube ain't complainin'." [Ice Cube continues eating, as the lightning strikes again.]