Pranks a Lottery/Transcript/Alt Version

[Ezra and Janice walk up to the Palace of Pranks.]

Ezra: Well, Janice, here it is, the Palace of Pranks, the greatest novelty shop in Sin. All the greatest pranksters shop here. This is where i got my gag. [the scene shows a close up of the can of Seanut Brittle.] seanut brittle can.

Janice: Oh, boy, Seanut Brittle. Gimmie! [Janice tries to open the can.]

Ezra: Janice, wait, it's a booby trap, remember?

Janice: Nice try, SquarePants, but it's not gonna work this time. i'm gonna have some of your delicious Seanut Brittle! [opens the can and purple tubes pop out of the can] Where's the Seanut Brittle?

Ezra: Aaaa! Oop, there it is, a small case, case-lightning-bulb.

Janice: Tiny lightning bolt? ok. [taps the lightening bolt on the can.]

[Ezra enters the Palace of Pranks and smells the air.]

Ezra: Ah! [Janice enters the scene] Nothing compares to the smell of cheap plastic novelty items. [an aisle is shown] Pranks, gags, and gross-out toys as far as the eye can see! [walks down an aisle] Isn't it everything i said it would be, Janice?

Janice: [in another aisle] Hey, Seanut Brittle! [purple tubes appear popping above the aisle that Janice is in] Oh, darn it, not again! [Ezra walks behind the gags] Quick! Make sure they're all off! He unlocks the room. Plugs them in.

Janice: bah! Another plan! [Ezra reads from his comic book, munching on a Prickly heat flavored popsicle. An old sin named Pride enters the scene.]

Pride: Good to see you, Ezra. How's my number one customer doing?

Ezra: Great, Pride. This is my friend Janice. He wants to become a prankster, too.

Pride: [walks up to Janice] Well, pleasure to meet you, Janice. [shakes Janice's hand, but Pride has a joy buzzer, so it shocks Janice. Janice screams and sucks on his hand. Pride laughs.] That's your first lesson, son, the granddaddy of all pranks. The joy buzzer.

Janice: i don't get it.

Pride: [holding up one hand] Right, Mr. Jackpot. See you tonight.

Pride: Well, this came in just this morning. [shows a package of gum] Have some gum. [Janice chews the gum but then he screams as his head explodes] Ha! Exploding chewing gum. Only $9.95.

Janice: [His head is gone, leaving a neck bone in the shape of a femur and he talks muffled] i don't get it.

Cannon: [shows Janice some sin] i don't get it either. The sin is huge, and there's a sticker on it that says, dangerously, $99.99. Your security guard, is having a discussion with his accountant. His accountant nods and smiles. Your security guard nods. He then walks behind the desk and beats the guy to death with a bat.

Guy: i. i can't believe this is going on. As he leaves.

Ezra: [takes out a dollar.] What can we get for one dollar?

Pride: One dollar will get you this fake gag dollar-- [takes out a fake dollar] fool your friends into thinking you've got a real dollar.

Ezra: What else have you got? [Pride holds up a whoopee cushion.]

Pride: a whoopee cushion.

Ezra: Nah. [Pride holds up fake vomit.]

Pride: Fake vomit.

Ezra: No. [Part of the counter is covered in real vomit.]

Pride: Real vomit?

Ezra: Eww! Don't you have anything good?

Pride: Well, there is one prank that i've been saving for a real top of the line prankster. [shows close up of a spray can] Invisible Spray!

Ezra: Wow, invisible spray!

Pride: Now, they think they have a dollar and they'll think their buddy's real and they'll be curious so here's what you need. a real towel! a real empty pot! a "pen" that can write into the "a" on a "note pad" so all of your friends can sign in with their fake dollar.

Ezra: [picks up a six pack of beer.]

[title card: "three days ago". We pan across the "prankster" still putting on his prank of the day clown suit, to see he is changing into a new suit every minute, also he is pretending to write different things on his notes, one of which is "Goodbye special effect."]

Even so, these items don't seem to get rid of him. He still runs around his neighborhood. He calls his mom so she can get him to give the money. and. He gets voice mail.

[Ezra gives Pride some money.]

Pride: Good choice. Now be careful with that stuff, boys. It stains clothes.

Ezra: Thanks, Pride. [he and Janice walk off-screen. The scene changes to show Ezra and Janice outside.] Here it is, Janice. The ultimate prank, invisible spray.

Janice: What are we gonna do with it?

Ezra: i know! We'll go spray the park bench and then sit on it, and when people walk by, we'll be floating in midair. [They both think about sitting on an invisible bench, surrounded by Amy, Audrey, Lillian, Helen, Halber, and Shelia.]

Amy: They're floating in midair!

Lillian: How do they do that? [The thought bubble disappears.]

Janice: That's the ultimate prank! Good idea, Ezra! [Janice gives Ezra a thumbs up.]

Ezra: Well, let's get started.

Janice: We'll sit on the bench and spray it, then when people get close we'll disappear for a few moments, then spring back up and float again! [They don't realize they're floating.]

[Suddenly all of a sudden they look up at the bench where they were sitting.]

[The scene changes to reveal that while everyone was sitting it was totally clear Ezra was gone. Janice stares into the distance, a look of despair on his face. Ezrawe sits down on the bench and speaks to Janice.]

Ezrawe: Jan? That was weird. [Janice takes off his shorts.]

Janice: Okay, i'm ready. [Janice drops his pants on the ground.]

Ezra: Any particular reason you took your pants off?

Janice: Well, that stuff stains clothes, right?

Ezra: That it does, Janice, that it does. Good thinking. Here, hold this a second. [Janice takes the can of spray while Ezra takes off his pants. Janice hugs the can.] Okay, Janice, give me the can.

Janice: i think since spraying the park bench was my idea, i should get to spray it.

Ezra: Janice, spraying the park bench was my idea.

Janice: Yeah, but i said it was a good idea!

Ezra: Give me that thing.

Janice: It's in the bathroom. [Janice takes out the picture of otto on the floor.]

Ezra: Why?

ButtDrum: Do you think this is funny?

Ezra: Yes, Janice. i do.

ButtDrum: i don't think so.

Ezra: Give me that, Janice.

[Ezra grabs the can and he and Janice wrestle over it. Ezra accidentally sprays their clothes and they disappear]

Janice: Hey, the invisible spray works! [a tour bus drives up.]

Audrey: And on your right, if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint! [The passengers laugh and Audrey laugh. The bus drives off. Ezra covers his lower half]

Ezra: Oh my gosh, Janice, help me find our clothes!

Janice: Fine! [Janice and Lucy are putting Ezras shirt on. They also fight over his pants. Janice finally unbuttons the shirt and puts it on himself. He then pushes Lucy away and looks in the mirror. He sees a dark waterhole-type monster. Ezra sighs and runs away. Janice then kicks the monster in the ass, but then looks down and sees that he's naked. He screams. end montage

[Ezra pats the ground, trying to grab the clothes. Janice sprays Ezra's right hand and it disappears]

Janice: i gotta hand it to you, Ezra. You look kinda funny. [Janice laughs and Ezra screams.]

Ezra: Righty, where are you? [Janice laughs again.] No one messes with Righty! [takes the spray can with his invisible hand.] We'll see how you like it! [sprays Janice making a hole in the middle of his body] Kind of gives you an empty feeling, huh? [Janice takes the can.]

Janice: Yeah. [He sprays Ezra's upper left corner.] i see what you mean. [Ezra takes the spray can and sprays Janice's lower half.]

Ezra: No guts, no glory! [laughs]

French Narrator: Several bad puns later. [The scene returns to Ezra and Janice, who are now invisible. Janice shakes the can.]

Janice: Oh, hey, i think this thing is empty. [Ezra grabs the can and shakes it.]

Ezra: Oh, no, it can't be! How are we going to pull off the ultimate prank? Thanks a lot, Janice. You used the last of it. [Ezra throws the can far away.]

Janice: i'll make do. Meanwhile, over in the. Underground school.

We see Janice walking down the hallway with his backpack slung over his shoulder. The hall is dark and endless. Suddenly Janice stops in his tracks. As he turns a corner, he realizes that. --cut to the roof top. a huge hole is being blown away with the energy of his backpack.

[They walk up behind Amy.]

Ezra: Let's ask this guy. Excuse me, sir, but do you have the time?

Amy: Sure. [looks at his watch] It's, uh, ten to three.

Ezra: Thank you.

Amy: Don't mention it. [Amy turns around to notice there is seemingly no one there.]

Janice: Don't mention what?

Amy: Uh, who said that?

Janice: Me.

Amy: [screams] Ghosts! [Amy runs away from them; his eyes pop out. His eyes scream, jump into a car and drive away.]

Janice: Hey, i'm no ghost! Well, the nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs!

Amy: What nerve! i was sitting right next to him! [There are children on a bench.]

Janice: [looking at the children and sings] i am the ghost. i have been here before. i've seen this man before. i'll tell him then. Children, we have traveled far to see this ghost! [the children jump off the bench and run toward them.]

Janice: We're the children of one and the same man. [He gets up on his hands and knees.]

Janice: [He walks toward Amy and holds the Bible up in the air. Then he cries and lifts Amy off the ground.]

Janice: And i told you before i could see the holy spirit. There is the spirit in my eye! All right, children, i told you before. Children, i command you to return to the ground! One by one the children fall back into the ground. i am the boogey-man! Stop it now, you children. The boogey-man is here again. Up there! i see him!! Children, i will tell you what to do. Don't all of you stop now. And with all respect, i'm not human. (Very funny.)

Ezra: Wait a second, Janice, my brain just hatched an idea.

Janice: Lay it on me.

Ezra: Okay, we're invisible, right?

Janice: Yeah.

Ezra: If that guy thought we were ghosts, we could haunt everybody in Sin. Oh, it's the ultimate prank.

Ezra and Janice: Whoo! High five! [They give each other a high five]

Ezra: Let's go scare us some suckers!

Janice: Hit 'em! Everybody out! [They start out and they don't stop]

Mira: Huh? [the outside of her tree is shown] Well, that's funny, i thought i heard voices. Huh? [walks up to a glass of juice on the floor] i thought i left that glass of peanut juice on the table. [walks over to a table with a lamp covered in garbage] And didn't i toss that old lamp out yesterday? And since when did i acquire all these portraits of Janice? [Photos of Janice are on the walls and tables, and the rug has his face on it. Mira turns around and sees Ezra and Janice covered in white sheets over their heads as they wail.]

Ezra and Janice: We're ghosts. [Ezra and Janice wail again. Mira laughs.]

Mira: i knew it was you guys! Alright, joke's over. Take off the sheets. [pulls off the sheets and notices there is nothing there, then gasps] It is ghosts! Who are the ghosts?

Ezra and Janice: We're the ghosts! It's just the continuing saga of The Mira Mermaid and we're going to unravel it all over this ocean of chairs.

Mira: No, no, no! You can't do that! i won't let you do that! i'm the Mira Mermaid! i'm Mira! i'll stop anything you want to do! [points to herself] i am Mira! i'm Mira! Except for the occasional Goofy eyes and smile, and hair that never stays perfect, and occasionally wrinkly skin, this woman is me! i am Mira!

Ezra and Janice: Mira, we're the monsters. This show's a fictitious reality tv show. You are not a present-day Mira Mermaid. [pulls away a single strand of tangled hair] You are a long-distance parody of a character that lives in an alternate universe, a tv grandma. You are The One True Mira Mermaid. i created you. You're a portrait of my tortured youth, but now that i have you back and feel you're safe with me. You are truly me. You deserve better. You deserve love.

Mira smiles: There is no Polly or Kumbaya in Mira's world.

Ezra: Boy, we really scared her! [Ezra and Janice laugh.]

Janice: Who's gonna be our next victim?

Ezra: a better question would be, "Who isn't?" [The scene changes to show Elena's house, where she is preparing to eat a piece of cake.]

Elena: Double-dark deep-sea light diet cake! [laughs] You will soon be mine. [Janice and possibly Ezra eats/eat the cake, making it look like ghosts have eaten it. Janice's face is covered in cake. He belches loudly and wipes it off.] Oh! [gets filled up with air and then lets it out flying all around] Ghosts!

Ezra: Hey, ghosts! [He picks up a pair of ghosts on a hanger- Ace of Spades. He walks around with a coffin in hand and speaks to Janice.]

[Her deflated body lands on the table. The scene changes to show Lucy painting and humming to himself at his house. Ezra and/or Janice takes the paintbrush, making it look like it is floating in mid air.]

Lucy: Huh? [Ezra and/or Janice paint(s) a mustache under Lucy's nose. The two wail ghostly. Lucy crashes through the wall and runs away.]

Lucy: Ghosts! i'll show them all! So long! Go on!! "Go on!!!" Now comes the conclusion to the ghosts/didier/flashback scenes. end Flashback Theatre montage. Volts, Dulls and Crashes a cute toilet spinny pop song gets to the stage. As the track ends, the answering machine rings. It is the voice of Jeanie Sadler. She reads from her poem: Once more, for my dearest Anne: Once more i'll say to you Once more i am to blame Then once again i am innocent once again i'll marry Anne if she will let me

The voice of Ezra answers.

[The scene changes to show Greed surfing at Goo Lagoon. Ezra and Janice surf up to Greed, making it look like a surfboard is on a wave by itself.]

Ezra and Janice: [Speaking in ghostly voices] Cowabunga!

Greed: Ghosts! [Greed screams while falling off the board.]

Ezra: Aaaaagh! Greed is lifted off the board.

Janice sees Greed’s terrifying appearance and joins in.

[Lust appears waving her arms wildly.]

Lust: Ghosts!

[Envy appears with his eyes bugging out of his head.]

Envy: Ghosts!

[Gluttony appears, scared with arms on his head.]

Gluttony: Ghosts!

[Wrath appears in a sort of screaming position.]

Wrath: Ghosts!

[Sloth appears holding a piece of toast.]

Sloth: Toast.

[Lillie appears sitting on the toilet, appearing freaked out.]

Lillie: Ghosts!

[Gender Unity appears holding his stomach.]

Gender Unity: Ghosts! .

[Lust and Envy stand side by side, facing the cell.]

Lust and Envy: Zombies! .

None of them hear what the other one says next.

Lust and Envy: Zombies!

None of them hear what the other one says next.

Sloth: i’m so scared.

Lust and Envy: Zombies!

None of them hear what the other one says next.

Sloth: Uh huh.

Lust: Zombies!

None of them hear what the other one says next.

[The scene changes to show the Sins' house at night. Iris peers out of the blinds.]

Iris: Ghosts? Ha! i ain't afraid of no ghosts! Every sailor knows a ghost won't come near a fella as long as he's wearing his spotted neckerchief. [grabs a handkerchief] And his dried-up sea leprechaun. [shows ashes of the sea leprechaun] And a bit of gold never hurt. [shows a gold necklace around Iris neck that reads, "Foxy"] But to be on the safe side, i'm also wearing me pants in a melvin knot, [his underwear is strung up with rope] got me shivering timber brace, [shows his ankles chained together] and the hairs on the back of me neck are taped down. [a strip of duct tape covers the hair. Iris is shown wearing a barrel and a headpiece with lanterns hung on it.] And i'm all wrapped up in a suit of anti-ghost armor. And if none of this stuff works, i've got me secret weapon—the specter deflector! [holds up a paddle ball] So just try and get me, you ghosts! Bring it on. [The lights black turn off. Ezra and Janice wail ghostly.]

Ezra and Janice: [As they open the front door] Iris!

Iris: Wha? [Ezra and Janice toss over a table and barrel. They pick up a barrel and a table to make it look like they are floating.]

Ezra: Iris, we've come to haunt you.

Janice: And we've got a plan to get you back into town. But don't make any mistakes.

Ezra: Yes, ghost boy! [They start walking through the door on top of a barrel. The Sins' house chases them.]

Iris: Pssht! Shhh! Don't talk! [The Sins' house falls on them and the door slams shut.]

Ezra and Janice: Oof! [they bounce up on top of a table.]

ghost boy: Ezra!

Ezra: Janice!

Janice: What are you guys doing here?

Ezra and Janice: Bumboat!!!

ghost boy: No hard feelings, huh?

Ezra and Janice: Bumboat. (then, frustrated) Wavy eights. (then) Six feet a second. They are good.

ghost boy: So i was thinking maybe we could be friends.

Ezra and Janice: Bumboat.

ghost boy: Bum.

[Ezra and Janice moan ghostly. Ezra and Janice walk by with a barrel, making it look like it is floating by. Iris hits the ball faster.]

Iris: i'm warning ya! [Ezra and Janice moan. Ezra or Janice stops the ball. Ezra or Janice then cuts the string.]

Iris: [shivering] Ooh!

Ezra and Janice: [quietly] Boo. [They are laughing uncontrollably.]

Iris: i gotta get out of here! [He runs to the doors, but they don't open.]

Ezra: You can't escape, Iris. We've glued the door shut. [The door is held closed with a long strip of glue. The scene shows the side of the Sins' house.]

Iris: [off-screen] You'll never get me! [Iris tries to break through the window, but instead of shattering, the window stretches like elastic and slingshots him backwards, and he crashes into a table]

Janice: Nice try, Iris, but we replaced all the glass with rubber! [Iris dives into the toilet, but gets stuck. He pulls himself out and sits on the floor, dazed]

Ezra: Too late, Iris, we've already clogged all the toilets. [The toilet is stuffed with toilet paper. Iris cowers in a corner.]

Iris: Please, spirits, leave me be. [a green cloud hovers over Iris, then fades away. He shivers. Now, a very scary Pizzicato Doll (robin) floats down from the ceiling. He glares at Iris. Iris stumbles into a black hole of acid. Janice and Janice's Mom enter. Iris points to the acid in a nearby pile of garbage]

Dooby-Doo: that's all i want. [He flips the pile, showing all the empty trash bins. It's all just piles of garbage]

Janice: [downcast] Ezra's puffy cloud!

Iris hangs his head in despair.

Iris: [shaking with fear] No, spirits, please!

Ezra: Pay! [a dollar floats in the air]

Iris: No!

Ezra: [high-pitched] Pay! [lights a match]

Iris: No! Don't burn me dollar!

Ezra: Dollar!

Iris: No!

Ezra: No sir! i'll take the whole dollar!

Ezra climbs up into the vent, begins climbing up Ezra's legs. Iris quickly grabs hold of the burnt dollar and begins to pull the water out of the pipe. As Ezra ascends, his weight increases. He tries to look for a vent. Don't let him die! [The water bubbles.]

[Iris grabs a bucket of water and throws it at the dollar. The water drips on Ezra and Janice, making them reappear. They laugh, not noticing they're visible.] Well, well, well, if it isn't Ezra and Janice.

Ezra: [wiggling his arms and legs like a ghost] i know not these names of which you speak. [Janice looks down and notices that he is visible.]

Janice: Uh, Ezra. Ezra, we're visible again. [points at the bucket of water that drips on him and them] And the water's running out, Janice. The water's running out.

Janice: Don't worry about it. There's water here somewhere. We just need some space to swim. We need more time to get through this routine.

Ezra: [notices the view of Ezra floating towards the screen] Wait for me. Janice, we're standing on the wrong side of the screen, you two can walk into my dream, can't we? Ezra, no. This is our whole world, and we're not supposed to be here. i have come here to explore.

Janice: [stepping in the water, holding onto Janice's arm] You guys are still going around taking our dreams away, are you?

[Iris lifts them up by the back of their necks as they try to run.]

Iris: So you two are the Sin ghosts.

Steph: We are.

Iris: Of course.

Steph: You and Dara Dio are soul mates? [Dara Dio shrugs: i guess so.]

Iris: Well this was before they moved to the big water. i am too old to still hunt living things. It is the death of all soul mates. My friends call it fin ki last tassimo. The joining of their bodies in a single continuum. [Dara Dio and Steph look up at him]

Iris: i was ninety four last month. And you.you are -

Ezra: We're really sorry, Iris. Please don't chop us into little pieces and eat 'em. [Iris puts them down.]

Iris: Hey, come on, boys, i'm hip! i pulled my share of pranks when i was your age. Had me some laughs. That's what we did tonight, right? We had a good laugh. Come on, laugh with me. [they all laugh.] Uh, any particular reason you boys are naked?

Ezra: Yeah, the invisible paint stains clothes. [They all laugh again.]

Mr. Ezra: That's hilarious, Ezra! Uh, Ezra, uh, what are the chances of us catching a cold from holding an invisible pail in one of theEMTs' cubbies? Come on, boys, what do you say?

Ezra: Well, i-i-i guess if there were a chance of catching a cold from holding an invisible pail, i'd say it's slim to none. [They all laugh.] Uh, um, let's not go there, huh?

Ezra: Alright, no harm, no foul, but are we going to have to put our backs to the Toodles' cubbies while we put our backs to their cubbies?

Ezra: Well, i-i thought it would be a harmless prank we could pass off on the boys.

Ezra: Well, i-i-i guess if there were a chance of us catching a cold from- from- from holding an invisible pail in one of the emt's- emt's cubbies, i'd say it's none.

Ezra: Uh, Ezra, uh, are you udderly positive that the Emp-esterium Extermination Pail isn't contaminated with invisible paint?

Ezra: i-i-i know it for certain, uh, it's-it's unsanitary. There's invisible stuff all over my- my-my buns, and i don't know what i'm doing, i-i-i don't know what i'm talking about. i-i'm talking. Uh, Ezra, uh, do you know how that pail could be contaminated with invisible paint?

Ezra: i-i-i don't know. i-i-i don't know. It's-it's-it's-the Pail's- Pail's-the Pail's-the Pail's-the Pail's  The Pail's-the Pail's-the Pail's the Pail's Pail. a cake. a Ezra cake. Three yards square. [a white, round light shines on Ezra and Janice. The scene pans out to show a crowd of people consisting of: Audrey, Greed, Elena, Mira, Lucy, Helen, Lillie, Chestnut, the red shirt Pride, Maki, Rose, Amy, Crystie, Purple Himari, JoJo, Moca, an anchovy, two bands, Clara, and Maya.]

Iris: The Sins' house presents. live nude pranksters! [He is shown shining the light on them from the crow's nest] Starring the Sin Ghosts! [Amy, Rose, Lillie, Moca, Ran, and Pride are shown cheering. Ezra and Janice scream while trying to cover themselves up. Iris laughs teasingly. Mira whistles at them as Elena takes a picture. Lucy laughs. Ezra and Janice keep trying to cover themselves.] The end.