Peanut Pranked-A-Lot (Alt Version)

[Peanut and Squirt walk up to the Palace of Pranks.]

Peanut: Well, Squirt, here it is, the Palace of Pranks, the greatest novelty shop in Bikini Bottom. All the greatest pranksters shop here. This is where i got my gag. [the scene shows a close up of the can of Seanut Brittle.] seanut brittle can.

Squirt: Oh, boy, Seanut Brittle. Gimmie! [Squirt tries to open the can.]

Peanut: Squirt, wait, it's a booby trap, remember?

Squirt: Nice try, Big Top, but it's not gonna work this time. i'm gonna have some of your delicious Seanut Brittle! [opens the can and purple tubes pop out of the can] Where's the Seanut Brittle?

Peanut: Aaaa! Oop, there it is, a small case, case-lightning-bulb.

Squirt: Tiny lightning bolt? ok. [taps the lightening bolt on the can.]

[Peanut enters the Palace of Pranks and smells the air.]

Peanut: Ah! [Squirt enters the scene] Nothing compares to the smell of cheap plastic novelty items. [an aisle is shown] Pranks, gags, and gross-out toys as far as the eye can see! [walks down an aisle] Isn't it everything i said it would be, Squirt?

Squirt: [in another aisle] Hey, Seanut Brittle! [purple tubes appear popping above the aisle that Squirt is in] Oh, darn it, not again! [Peanut walks behind the gags] Quick! Make sure they're all off! He unlocks the room. Plugs them in.

Squirt: bah! Another plan! [Peanut reads from his comic book, munching on a Prickly heat flavored popsicle. An old fish named Frank enters the scene.]

Frank: Good to see you, Peanut. How's my number one customer doing?

Peanut: Great, Frank. This is my friend Squirt. He wants to become a prankster, too.

Frank: [walks up to Squirt] Well, pleasure to meet you, Squirt. [shakes Squirt's hand, but Frank has a joy buzzer, so it shocks Squirt. Squirt screams and sucks on his hand. Frank laughs.] That's your first lesson, son, the granddaddy of all pranks. The joy buzzer.

Squirt: i don't get it.

Frank: [holding up one hand] Right, Mr. Jackpot. See you tonight.

Frank: Well, this came in just this morning. [shows a package of gum] Have some gum. [Squirt chews the gum but then he screams as his head explodes] Ha! Exploding chewing gum. Only $9.95.

Squirt: [His head is gone, leaving a neck bone in the shape of a femur and he talks muffled] i don't get it.

Cannon: [shows Squirt some fish] i don't get it either. The fish is huge, and there's a sticker on it that says, dangerously, $99.99. Your security guard, is having a discussion with his accountant. His accountant nods and smiles. Your security guard nods. He then walks behind the desk and beats the guy to death with a bat.

Guy: i. i can't believe this is going on. As he leaves.

Peanut: [takes out a dollar.] What can we get for one dollar?

Frank: One dollar will get you this fake gag dollar-- [takes out a fake dollar] fool your friends into thinking you've got a real dollar.

Peanut: What else have you got? [Frank holds up a whoopee cushion.]

Frank: a whoopee cushion.

Peanut: Nah. [Frank holds up fake vomit.]

Frank: Fake vomit.

Peanut: No. [Part of the counter is covered in real vomit.]

Frank: Real vomit?

Peanut: Eww! Don't you have anything good?

Frank: Well, there is one prank that i've been saving for a real top of the line prankster. [shows close up of a spray can] Invisible Spray!

Peanut: Wow, invisible spray!

Frank: Now, they think they have a dollar and they'll think their buddy's real and they'll be curious so here's what you need. a real towel! a real empty pot! a "pen" that can write into the "a" on a "note pad" so all of your friends can sign in with their fake dollar.

Peanut: [picks up a six pack of beer.]

[title card: "three days ago". We pan across the "prankster" still putting on his prank of the day clown suit, to see he is changing into a new suit every minute, also he is pretending to write different things on his notes, one of which is "Goodbye special effect."]

Even so, these items don't seem to get rid of him. He still runs around his neighborhood. He calls his mom so she can get him to give the money. and. He gets voice mail.

[Peanut gives Frank some money.]

Frank: Good choice. Now be careful with that stuff, boys. It stains clothes.

Peanut: Thanks, Frank. [he and Squirt walk off-screen. The scene changes to show Peanut and Squirt outside.] Here it is, Squirt. The ultimate prank, invisible spray.

Squirt: What are we gonna do with it?

Peanut: i know! We'll go spray the park bench and then sit on it, and when people walk by, we'll be floating in midair. [They both think about sitting on an invisible bench, surrounded by Mittens, Tom, Tina-Fran, Horace, Halber, and Shelia.]

Mittens: They're floating in midair!

Tina-Fran: How do they do that? [The thought bubble disappears.]

Squirt: That's the ultimate prank! Good idea, Peanut! [Squirt gives Peanut a thumbs up.]

Peanut: Well, let's get started.

Squirt: We'll sit on the bench and spray it, then when people get close we'll disappear for a few moments, then spring back up and float again! [They don't realize they're floating.]

[Suddenly all of a sudden they look up at the bench where they were sitting.]

[The scene changes to reveal that while everyone was sitting it was totally clear Peanut was gone. Squirt stares into the distance, a look of despair on his face. Peanutwe sits down on the bench and speaks to Squirt.]

Peanutwe: Squirt? That was weird. [Squirt takes off his shorts.]

Squirt: Okay, i'm ready. [Squirt drops his pants on the ground.]

Peanut: Any particular reason you took your pants off?

Squirt: Well, that stuff stains clothes, right?

Peanut: That it does, Squirt, that it does. Good thinking. Here, hold this a second. [Squirt takes the can of spray while Peanut takes off his pants. Squirt hugs the can.] Okay, Squirt, give me the can.

Squirt: i think since spraying the park bench was my idea, i should get to spray it.

Peanut: Squirt, spraying the park bench was my idea.

Squirt: Yeah, but i said it was a good idea!

Peanut: Give me that thing.

Squirt: It's in the bathroom. [Squirt takes out the picture of otto on the floor.]

Peanut: Why?

ButtDrum: Do you think this is funny?

Peanut: Yes, Squirt. i do.

ButtDrum: i don't think so.

Peanut: Give me that, Squirt.

[Peanut grabs the can and he and Squirt wrestle over it. Peanut accidentally sprays their clothes and they disappear]

Squirt: Hey, the invisible spray works! [a tour bus drives up.]

Tom: And on your right, if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint! [The passengers laugh and Tom laugh. The bus drives off. Peanut covers his lower half]

Peanut: Oh my gosh, Squirt, help me find our clothes!

Squirt: Fine! [Squirt and Squid are putting Peanuts shirt on. They also fight over his pants. Squirt finally unbuttons the shirt and puts it on himself. He then pushes Squid away and looks in the mirror. He sees a dark waterhole-type monster. Peanut sighs and runs away. Squirt then kicks the monster in the ass, but then looks down and sees that he's naked. He screams. end montage

[Peanut pats the ground, trying to grab the clothes. Squirt sprays Peanut's right hand and it disappears]

Squirt: i gotta hand it to you, Peanut. You look kinda funny. [Squirt laughs and Peanut screams.]

Peanut: Righty, where are you? [Squirt laughs again.] No one messes with Righty! [takes the spray can with his invisible hand.] We'll see how you like it! [sprays Squirt making a hole in the middle of his body] Kind of gives you an empty feeling, huh? [Squirt takes the can.]

Squirt: Yeah. [He sprays Peanut's upper left corner.] i see what you mean. [Peanut takes the spray can and sprays Squirt's lower half.]

Peanut: No guts, no glory! [laughs]

French Narrator: Several bad puns later. [The scene returns to Peanut and Squirt, who are now invisible. Squirt shakes the can.]

Squirt: Oh, hey, i think this thing is empty. [Peanut grabs the can and shakes it.]

Peanut: Oh, no, it can't be! How are we going to pull off the ultimate prank? Thanks a lot, Squirt. You used the last of it. [Peanut throws the can far away.]

Squirt: i'll make do. Meanwhile, over in the. Underground school.

We see Squirt walking down the hallway with his backpack slung over his shoulder. The hall is dark and endless. Suddenly Squirt stops in his tracks. As he turns a corner, he realizes that. --cut to the roof top. a huge hole is being blown away with the energy of his backpack.

[They walk up behind Mittens.]

Peanut: Let's ask this guy. Excuse me, sir, but do you have the time?

Mittens: Sure. [looks at his watch] It's, uh, ten to three.

Peanut: Thank you.

Mittens: Don't mention it. [Mittens turns around to notice there is seemingly no one there.]

Squirt: Don't mention what?

Mittens: Uh, who said that?

Squirt: Me.

Mittens: [screams] Ghosts! [Mittens runs away from them; his eyes pop out. His eyes scream, jump into a car and drive away.]

Squirt: Hey, i'm no ghost! Well, the nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs!

Mittens: What nerve! i was sitting right next to him! [There are children on a bench.]

Squirt: [looking at the children and sings] i am the ghost. i have been here before. i've seen this man before. i'll tell him then. Children, we have traveled far to see this ghost! [the children jump off the bench and run toward them.]

Squirt: We're the children of one and the same man. [He gets up on his hands and knees.]

Squirt: [He walks toward Mittens and holds the Bible up in the air. Then he cries and lifts Mittens off the ground.]

Squirt: And i told you before i could see the holy spirit. There is the spirit in my eye! All right, children, i told you before. Children, i command you to return to the ground! One by one the children fall back into the ground. i am the boogey-man! Stop it now, you children. The boogey-man is here again. Up there! i see him!! Children, i will tell you what to do. Don't all of you stop now. And with all respect, i'm not human. (Very funny.)

Peanut: Wait a second, Squirt, my brain just hatched an idea.

Squirt: Lay it on me.

Peanut: Okay, we're invisible, right?

Squirt: Yeah.

Peanut: If that guy thought we were ghosts, we could haunt everybody in Bikini Bottom. Oh, it's the ultimate prank.

Peanut and Squirt: Whoo! High five! [They give each other a high five]

Peanut: Let's go scare us some suckers!

Squirt: Hit 'em! Everybody out! [They start out and they don't stop]

Crumbs: Huh? [the outside of her tree is shown] Well, that's funny, i thought i heard voices. Huh? [walks up to a glass of juice on the floor] i thought i left that glass of peanut juice on the table. [walks over to a table with a lamp covered in garbage] And didn't i toss that old lamp out yesterday? And since when did i acquire all these portraits of Squirt? [Photos of Squirt are on the walls and tables, and the rug has his face on it. Crumbs turns around and sees Peanut and Squirt covered in white sheets over their heads as they wail.]

Peanut and Squirt: We're ghosts. [Peanut and Squirt wail again. Crumbs laughs.]

Crumbs: i knew it was you guys! Alright, joke's over. Take off the sheets. [pulls off the sheets and notices there is nothing there, then gasps] It is ghosts! Who are the ghosts?

Peanut and Squirt: We're the ghosts! It's just the continuing saga of The Crumbs Mermaid and we're going to unravel it all over this ocean of chairs.

Crumbs: No, no, no! You can't do that! i won't let you do that! i'm the Crumbs Mermaid! i'm Crumbs! i'll stop anything you want to do! [points to herself] i am Crumbs! i'm Crumbs! Except for the occasional Goofy eyes and smile, and hair that never stays perfect, and occasionally wrinkly skin, this woman is me! i am Crumbs!

Peanut and Squirt: Crumbs, we're the monsters. This show's a fictitious reality tv show. You are not a present-day Crumbs Mermaid. [pulls away a single strand of tangled hair] You are a long-distance parody of a character that lives in an alternate universe, a tv grandma. You are The One True Crumbs Mermaid. i created you. You're a portrait of my tortured youth, but now that i have you back and feel you're safe with me. You are truly me. You deserve better. You deserve love.

Crumbs smiles: There is no Polly or Kumbaya in Crumbs's world.

Peanut: Boy, we really scared her! [Peanut and Squirt laugh.]

Squirt: Who's gonna be our next victim?

Peanut: a better question would be, "Who isn't?" [The scene changes to show Bea's house, where she is preparing to eat a piece of cake.]

Bea: Double-dark deep-sea light diet cake! [laughs] You will soon be mine. [Squirt and possibly Peanut eats/eat the cake, making it look like ghosts have eaten it. Squirt's face is covered in cake. He belches loudly and wipes it off.] Oh! [gets filled up with air and then lets it out flying all around] Ghosts!

Peanut: Hey, ghosts! [He picks up a pair of ghosts on a hanger- Ace of Spades. He walks around with a coffin in hand and speaks to Squirt.]

[Her deflated body lands on the table. The scene changes to show Spot painting and humming to himself at his house. Peanut and/or Squirt takes the paintbrush, making it look like it is floating in mid air.]

Spot: Huh? [Peanut and/or Squirt paint(s) a mustache under Spot's nose. The two wail ghostly. Spot crashes through the wall and runs away.]

Spot: Ghosts! i'll show them all! So long! Go on!! "Go on!!!" Now comes the conclusion to the ghosts/didier/flashback scenes. end Flashback Theatre montage. Volts, Dulls and Crashes a cute toilet spinny pop song gets to the stage. As the track ends, the answering machine rings. It is the voice of Jeanie Sadler. She reads from her poem: Once more, for my dearest Anne: Once more i'll say to you Once more i am to blame Then once again i am innocent once again i'll marry Anne if she will let me

The voice of Peanut answers.

[The scene changes to show Marina surfing at Goo Lagoon. Peanut and Squirt surf up to Marina, making it look like a surfboard is on a wave by itself.]

Peanut and Squirt: [Speaking in ghostly voices] Cowabunga!

Marina: Ghosts! [Marina screams while falling off the board.]

Peanut: Aaaaagh! Marina is lifted off the board.

Squirt sees Marina’s terrifying appearance and joins in.

[Gale appears waving her arms wildly.]

Gale: Ghosts!

[Fred appears with his eyes bugging out of his head.]

Fred: Ghosts!

[Lonnie appears, scared with arms on his head.]

Lonnie: Ghosts!

[Francis appears in a sort of screaming position.]

Francis: Ghosts!

[Sandals appears holding a piece of toast.]

Sandals: Toast.

[Harold appears sitting on the toilet, appearing freaked out.]

Harold: Ghosts!

[Spook appears holding his stomach.]

Spook: Ghosts! .

[Gale and Fred stand side by side, facing the cell.]

Gale and Fred: Zombies! .

None of them hear what the other one says next.

Gale and Fred: Zombies!

None of them hear what the other one says next.

Sandals: i’m so scared.

Gale and Fred: Zombies!

None of them hear what the other one says next.

Sandals: Uh huh.

Gale: Zombies!

None of them hear what the other one says next.

[The scene changes to show the Krusty Krab at night. Patty peers out of the blinds.]

Patty: Ghosts? Ha! i ain't afraid of no ghosts! Every sailor knows a ghost won't come near a fella as long as he's wearing his spotted neckerchief. [grabs a handkerchief] And his dried-up sea leprechaun. [shows ashes of the sea leprechaun] And a bit of gold never hurt. [shows a gold necklace around Patty neck that reads, "Foxy"] But to be on the safe side, i'm also wearing me pants in a melvin knot, [his underwear is strung up with rope] got me shivering timber brace, [shows his ankles chained together] and the hairs on the back of me neck are taped down. [a strip of duct tape covers the hair. Patty is shown wearing a barrel and a headpiece with lanterns hung on it.] And i'm all wrapped up in a suit of anti-ghost armor. And if none of this stuff works, i've got me secret weapon—the specter deflector! [holds up a paddle ball] So just try and get me, you ghosts! Bring it on. [The lights black turn off. Peanut and Squirt wail ghostly.]

Peanut and Squirt: [As they open the front door] Patty!

Patty: Wha? [Peanut and Squirt toss over a table and barrel. They pick up a barrel and a table to make it look like they are floating.]

Peanut: Patty, we've come to haunt you.

Squirt: And we've got a plan to get you back into town. But don't make any mistakes.

Peanut: Yes, ghost boy! [They start walking through the door on top of a barrel. The Krusty Krab chases them.]

Patty: Pssht! Shhh! Don't talk! [The Krusty Krab falls on them and the door slams shut.]

Peanut and Squirt: Oof! [they bounce up on top of a table.]

ghost boy: Peanut!

Peanut: Squirt!

Squirt: What are you guys doing here?

Peanut and Squirt: Bumboat!!!

ghost boy: No hard feelings, huh?

Peanut and Squirt: Bumboat. (then, frustrated) Wavy eights. (then) Six feet a second. They are good.

ghost boy: So i was thinking maybe we could be friends.

Peanut and Squirt: Bumboat.

ghost boy: Bum.

[Peanut and Squirt moan ghostly. Peanut and Squirt walk by with a barrel, making it look like it is floating by. Patty hits the ball faster.]

Patty: i'm warning ya! [Peanut and Squirt moan. Peanut or Squirt stops the ball. Peanut or Squirt then cuts the string.]

Patty: [shivering] Ooh!

Peanut and Squirt: [quietly] Boo. [They are laughing uncontrollably.]

Patty: i gotta get out of here! [He runs to the doors, but they don't open.]

Peanut: You can't escape, Patty. We've glued the door shut. [The door is held closed with a long strip of glue. The scene shows the side of the Krusty Krab.]

Patty: [off-screen] You'll never get me! [Patty tries to break through the window, but instead of shattering, the window stretches like elastic and slingshots him backwards, and he crashes into a table]

Squirt: Nice try, Patty, but we replaced all the glass with rubber! [Patty dives into the toilet, but gets stuck. He pulls himself out and sits on the floor, dazed]

Peanut: Too late, Patty, we've already clogged all the toilets. [The toilet is stuffed with toilet paper. Patty cowers in a corner.]

Patty: Please, spirits, leave me be. [a green cloud hovers over Patty, then fades away. He shivers. Now, a very scary Pizzicato Doll (robin) floats down from the ceiling. He glares at Patty. Patty stumbles into a black hole of acid. Squirt and Squirt's Mom enter. Patty points to the acid in a nearby pile of garbage]

Dooby-Doo: that's all i want. [He flips the pile, showing all the empty trash bins. It's all just piles of garbage]

Squirt: [downcast] Peanut's puffy cloud!

Patty hangs his head in despair.

Patty: [shaking with fear] No, spirits, please!

Peanut: Pay! [a dollar floats in the air]

Patty: No!

Peanut: [high-pitched] Pay! [lights a match]

Patty: No! Don't burn me dollar!

Peanut: Dollar!

Patty: No!

Peanut: No sir! i'll take the whole dollar!

Peanut climbs up into the vent, begins climbing up Peanut's legs. Patty quickly grabs hold of the burnt dollar and begins to pull the water out of the pipe. As Peanut ascends, his weight increases. He tries to look for a vent. Don't let him die! [The water bubbles.]

[Patty grabs a bucket of water and throws it at the dollar. The water drips on Peanut and Squirt, making them reappear. They laugh, not noticing they're visible.] Well, well, well, if it isn't Peanut and Squirt.

Peanut: [wiggling his arms and legs like a ghost] i know not these names of which you speak. [Squirt looks down and notices that he is visible.]

Squirt: Uh, Peanut. Peanut, we're visible again. [points at the bucket of water that drips on him and them] And the water's running out, Squirt. The water's running out.

Squirt: Don't worry about it. There's water here somewhere. We just need some space to swim. We need more time to get through this routine.

Peanut: [notices the view of Peanut floating towards the screen] Wait for me. Squirt, we're standing on the wrong side of the screen, you two can walk into my dream, can't we? Peanut, no. This is our whole world, and we're not supposed to be here. i have come here to explore.

Squirt: [stepping in the water, holding onto Squirt's arm] You guys are still going around taking our dreams away, are you?

[Patty lifts them up by the back of their necks as they try to run.]

Patty: So you two are the Bikini Bottom ghosts.

Steph: We are.

Patty: Of course.

Steph: You and Dara Dio are soul mates? [Dara Dio shrugs: i guess so.]

Patty: Well this was before they moved to the big water. i am too old to still hunt living things. It is the death of all soul mates. My friends call it fin ki last tassimo. The joining of their bodies in a single continuum. [Dara Dio and Steph look up at him]

Patty: i was ninety four last month. And you.you are -

Peanut: We're really sorry, Patty. Please don't chop us into little pieces and eat 'em. [Patty puts them down.]

Patty: Hey, come on, boys, i'm hip! i pulled my share of pranks when i was your age. Had me some laughs. That's what we did tonight, right? We had a good laugh. Come on, laugh with me. [they all laugh.] Uh, any particular reason you boys are naked?

Peanut: Yeah, the invisible paint stains clothes. [They all laugh again.]

Mr. Peanut: That's hilarious, Peanut! Uh, Peanut, uh, what are the chances of us catching a cold from holding an invisible pail in one of theEMTs' cubbies? Come on, boys, what do you say?

Peanut: Well, i-i-i guess if there were a chance of catching a cold from holding an invisible pail, i'd say it's slim to none. [They all laugh.] Uh, um, let's not go there, huh?

Peanut: Alright, no harm, no foul, but are we going to have to put our backs to the Toodles' cubbies while we put our backs to their cubbies?

Peanut: Well, i-i thought it would be a harmless prank we could pass off on the boys.

Peanut: Well, i-i-i guess if there were a chance of us catching a cold from- from- from holding an invisible pail in one of the emt's- emt's cubbies, i'd say it's none.

Peanut: Uh, Peanut, uh, are you udderly positive that the Emp-esterium Extermination Pail isn't contaminated with invisible paint?

Peanut: i-i-i know it for certain, uh, it's-it's unsanitary. There's invisible stuff all over my- my-my buns, and i don't know what i'm doing, i-i-i don't know what i'm talking about. i-i'm talking. Uh, Peanut, uh, do you know how that pail could be contaminated with invisible paint?

Peanut: i-i-i don't know. i-i-i don't know. It's-it's-it's-the Pail's- Pail's-the Pail's-the Pail's-the Pail's  The Pail's-the Pail's-the Pail's the Pail's Pail. a cake. a peanut cake. Three yards square. [a white, round light shines on Peanut and Squirt. The scene pans out to show a crowd of people consisting of: Tom, Marina, Bea, Crumbs, Spot, Horace, Harold, Nathiel Waters, the red shirt Frank, Jimmy-Gus, Sadie, Mittens, Nazz-Mimi, Purple Scooter, Dennis Rechid, Martin, an anchovy, two Frankie Billys, Clay, and Franco.]

Patty: The Krusty Krab presents. live nude pranksters! [He is shown shining the light on them from the crow's nest] Starring the Bikini Bottom Ghosts! [Mittens, Sadie, Harold, Martin, Abigail Marge, and Frank are shown cheering. Peanut and Squirt scream while trying to cover themselves up. Patty laughs teasingly. Crumbs whistles at them as Bea takes a picture. Spot laughs. Peanut and Squirt keep trying to cover themselves.] The end.