Potch and Pitch in Pranks-a-Lot (Alt Version)

[Parody of "Kaitlin and Setsuna in Pranks-a-Lot (Alt Version)"

Script
Potch and Pitch walk up to the Palace of Pranks.]

Potch: Well, Pitch, here it is, the Palace of Pranks, the greatest novelty shop in Bikini Bottom. All the greatest pranksters shop here. This is where i got my gag. [the scene shows a close up of the can of Seanut Brittle.] seanut brittle can.

Pitch: Oh, boy, Seanut Brittle. Gimmie! [Pitch tries to open the can.]

Potch: Pitch, wait, it's a booby trap, remember?

Pitch: Nice try, Potch, but it's not gonna work this time. i'm gonna have some of your delicious Seanut Brittle! [opens the can and purple tubes pop out of the can] Where's the Seanut Brittle?

Potch: Aaaa! Oop, there it is, a small case, case-lightning-bulb.

Pitch: Tiny lightning bolt? ok. [taps the lightening bolt on the can.]

[Potch enters the Palace of Pranks and smells the air.]

Potch: Ah! [Pitch enters the scene] Nothing compares to the smell of cheap plastic novelty items. [an aisle is shown] Pranks, gags, and gross-out toys as far as the eye can see! [walks down an aisle] Isn't it everything I said it would be, Remote?

Pitch: [in another aisle] Hey, Seanut Brittle! [purple tubes appear popping above the aisle that Remote is in] Oh, darn it, not again! [Potch walks behind the gags] Quick! Make sure they're all off! She unlocks the room. Plugs them in.

Pitch: bah! Another plan! [Potch reads from her comic book, munching on a Prickly heat flavored popsicle. An old VHS tape named VHSy enters the scene.]

VHSy: Good to see you, Potch. How's my number one customer doing?

Potch: Great, VHSy. This is my friend Pitch. She wants to become a prankster, too.

VHSy: [walks up to Pitch] Well, pleasure to meet you, Pitch. [shakes Pitch's hand, but VHSy has a joy buzzer, so it shocks Pitch. Pitch screams and sucks on her hand. VHSy laughs.] That's your first lesson, son, the granddaddy of all pranks. The joy buzzer.

Pitch: i don't get it.

VHSy: [holding up one hand] Right, Mr. Jackpot. See you tonight.

VHSy: Well, this came in just this morning. [shows a package of gum] Have some gum. [Pitch chews the gum but then she screams as her head explodes] Ha! Exploding chewing gum. Only $9.95.

Pitch: [Her head is gone, leaving a neck bone in the shape of a femur and she talks muffled] i don't get it.

Cannon: [shows Pitch some fish] i don't get it either. The fish is huge, and there's a sticker on it that says, dangerously, $99.99. Your security guard, is having a discussion with her accountant. Her accountant nods and smiles. Your security guard nods. She then walks behind the desk and beats the guy to death with a bat.

Guy: i. i can't believe this is going on. As she leaves.

Potch: [takes out a dollar.] What can we get for one dollar?

VHSy: One dollar will get you this fake gag dollar-- [takes out a fake dollar] fool your friends into thinking you've got a real dollar.

Potch: What else have you got? [VHSy holds up a whoopee cushion.]

VHSy: a whoopee cushion.

Potch: Nah. [VHSy holds up fake vomit.]

VHSy: Fake vomit.

Potch: No. [Part of the counter is covered in real vomit.]

VHSy: Real vomit?

Potch: Eww! Don't you have anything good?

VHSy: Well, there is one prank that i've been saving for a real top of the line prankster. [shows close up of a spray can] Invisible Spray!

Potch: Wow, invisible spray!

VHSy: Now, they think they have a dollar and they'll think their buddy's real and they'll be curious so here's what you need. a real towel! a real empty pot! a "pen" that can write into the "a" on a "note pad" so all of your friends can sign in with their fake dollar.

Potch: [picks up a six pack of beer.]

[title card: "three days ago". We pan across the "prankster" still putting on her prank of the day clown suit, to see she is changing into a new suit every minute, also she is pretending to write different things on her notes, one of which is "Goodbye special effect."]

Even so, these items don't seem to get rid of her. She still runs around her neighborhood. She calls her mom so she can get her to give the money. and. She gets voice mail.

[Potch gives VHSy some money.]

VHSy: Good choice. Now be careful with that stuff, boys. It stains clothes.

Potch: Thanks, VHSy. [she and Pitch walk off-screen. The scene changes to show Potch and Pitch outside.] Here it is, Pitch. The ultimate prank, invisible spray.

Pitch: What are we gonna do with it?

Potch: i know! We'll go spray the park bench and then sit on it, and when people walk by, we'll be floating in midair. [They both think about sitting on an invisible bench, surrounded by Price Tag, Winner, Onigiri, 9-Ball, Boom Mic, and ITRD.]

Price Tag: They're floating in midair!

Onigiri: How do they do that? [The thought bubble disappears.]

Pitch: That's the ultimate prank! Good idea, Potch! [Pitch gives Potch a thumbs up.]

Potch: Well, let's get started.

Pitch: We'll sit on the bench and spray it, then when people get close we'll disappear for a few moments, then spring back up and float again! [They don't realize they're floating.]

[Suddenly all of a sudden they look up at the bench where they were sitting.]

[The scene changes to reveal that while everyone was sitting it was totally clear Potch was gone. Pitch stares into the distance, a look of despair on her face. Kaitliwe sits down on the bench and speaks to Pitch.]

Kaitliwe: Pitch? That was weird. [Pitch takes off her shorts.]

Pitch: Okay, i'm ready. [Pitch drops her pants on the ground.]

Potch: Any particular reason you took your pants off?

Pitch: Well, that stuff stains clothes, right?

Potch: That it does, Pitch, that it does. Good thinking. Here, hold this a second. [Pitch takes the can of spray while Potch takes off her pants. Pitch hugs the can.] Okay, Pitch, give me the can.

Pitch: i think since spraying the park bench was my idea, i should get to spray it.

Potch: Pitch, spraying the park bench was my idea.

Pitch: Yeah, but i said it was a good idea!

Potch: Give me that thing.

Pitch: It's in the bathroom. [Pitch takes out the picture of otto on the floor.]

Potch: Why?

ButtDrum: Do you think this is funny?

Potch: Yes, Pitch. i do.

ButtDrum: i don't think so.

Potch: Give me that, Pitch.

[Potch grabs the can and she and Pitch wrestle over it. Potch accidentally sprays their clothes and they disappear]

Pitch: Hey, the invisible spray works! [a tour bus drives up.]

Winner: And on your right, if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint! [The passengers laugh and Winner laugh. The bus drives off. Potch covers her lower half]

Potch: Oh my gosh, Pitch, help me find our clothes!

Pitch: Fine! [Pitch and Squid are putting Potchs shirt on. They also fight over her pants. Pitch finally unbuttons the shirt and puts it on himself. She then pushes Squid away and looks in the mirror. She sees a dark waterhole-type monster. Potch sighs and runs away. Pitch then kicks the monster in the ass, but then looks down and sees that she's naked. She screams. end montage

[Potch pats the ground, trying to grab the clothes. Pitch sprays Potch's right hand and it disappears]

Pitch: i gotta hand it to you, Potch. You look kinda funny. [Pitch laughs and Potch screams.]

Potch: Righty, where are you? [Pitch laughs again.] No one messes with Righty! [takes the spray can with her invisible hand.] We'll see how you like it! [sprays Pitch making a hole in the middle of her body] Kind of gives you an empty feeling, huh? [Pitch takes the can.]

Pitch: Yeah. [She sprays Potch's upper left corner.] i see what you mean. [Potch takes the spray can and sprays Pitch's lower half.]

Potch: No guts, no glory! [laughs]

French Narrator: Several bad puns later. [The scene returns to Potch and Pitch, who are now invisible. Pitch shakes the can.]

Pitch: Oh, hey, i think this thing is empty. [Potch grabs the can and shakes it.]

Potch: Oh, no, it can't be! How are we going to pull off the ultimate prank? Thanks a lot, Pitch. You used the last of it. [Potch throws the can far away.]

Pitch: i'll make do. Meanwhile, over in the. Underground school.

We see Pitch walking down the hallway with her backpack slung over her shoulder. The hall is dark and endless. Suddenly Pitch stops in her tracks. As she turns a corner, she realizes that. --cut to the roof top. a huge hole is being blown away with the energy of her backpack.

[They walk up behind Price Tag.]

Potch: Let's ask this guy. Excuse me, sir, but do you have the time?

Price Tag: Sure. [looks at her watch] It's, uh, ten to three.

Potch: Thank you.

Price Tag: Don't mention it. [Price Tag turns around to notice there is seemingly no one there.]

Pitch: Don't mention what?

Price Tag: Uh, who said that?

Pitch: Me.

Price Tag: [screams] Ghosts! [Price Tag runs away from them; her eyes pop out. Her eyes scream, jump into a car and drive away.]

Pitch: Hey, i'm no ghost! Well, the nerve of that guy and her driving eyeballs!

Price Tag: What nerve! i was sitting right next to her! [There are children on a bench.]

Pitch: [looking at the children and sings] i am the ghost. i have been here before. i've seen this man before. i'll tell her then. Children, we have traveled far to see this ghost! [the children jump off the bench and run toward them.]

Pitch: We're the children of one and the same man. [She gets up on her hands and knees.]

Pitch: [She walks toward Price Tag and holds the Bible up in the air. Then she cries and lifts Price Tag off the ground.]

Pitch: And i told you before i could see the holy spirit. There is the spirit in my eye! All right, children, i told you before. Children, i command you to return to the ground! One by one the children fall back into the ground. i am the boogey-man! Stop it now, you children. The boogey-man is here again. Up there! i see her!! Children, i will tell you what to do. Don't all of you stop now. And with all respect, i'm not human. (Very funny.)

Potch: Wait a second, Pitch, my brain just hatched an idea.

Pitch: Lay it on me.

Potch: Okay, we're invisible, right?

Pitch: Yeah.

Potch: If that guy thought we were ghosts, we could haunt everybody in Bikini Bottom. Oh, it's the ultimate prank.

Potch and Pitch: Whoo! High five! [They give each other a high five]

Potch: Let's go scare us some suckers!

Pitch: Hit 'em! Everybody out! [They start out and they don't stop]

Bomber Guy: Huh? [the outside of her tree is shown] Well, that's funny, i thought i heard voices. Huh? [walks up to a glass of juice on the floor] i thought i left that glass of peanut juice on the table. [walks over to a table with a lamp covered in garbage] And didn't i toss that old lamp out yesterday? And since when did i acquire all these portraits of Pitch? [Photos of Pitch are on the walls and tables, and the rug has her face on it. Bomber Guy turns around and sees Potch and Pitch covered in white sheets over their heads as they wail.]

Potch and Pitch: We're ghosts. [Potch and Pitch wail again. Bomber Guy laughs.]

Bomber Guy: i knew it was you guys! Alright, joke's over. Take off the sheets. [pulls off the sheets and notices there is nothing there, then gasps] It is ghosts! Who are the ghosts?

Potch and Pitch: We're the ghosts! It's just the continuing saga of The Bomber Guy Mermaid and we're going to unravel it all over this ocean of chairs.

Bomber Guy: No, no, no! You can't do that! i won't let you do that! i'm the Bomber Guy Mermaid! i'm Bomber Guy! i'll stop anything you want to do! [points to herself] i am Bomber Guy! i'm Bomber Guy! Except for the occasional Goofy eyes and smile, and hair that never stays perfect, and occasionally wrinkly skin, this woman is me! i am Bomber Guy!

Potch and Pitch: Bomber Guy, we're the monsters. This show's a fictitious reality tv show. You are not a present-day Bomber Guy Mermaid. [pulls away a single strand of tangled hair] You are a long-distance parody of a character that lives in an alternate universe, a tv grandma. You are The One True Bomber Guy Mermaid. i created you. You're a portrait of my tortured youth, but now that i have you back and feel you're safe with me. You are truly me. You deserve better. You deserve love.

Bomber Guy smiles: There is no Polly or Kumbaya in Bomber Guy's world.

Potch: Boy, we really scared her! [Potch and Pitch laugh.]

Pitch: Who's gonna be our next victim?

Potch: a better question would be, "Who isn't?"

The Episode Ends with Potch and Pitch laughing, thinking about their next prank.