Feud Fight At the Farmers' Market/Transcript

Farmer's Market, in medias res
(Episode title appears on a flying tomato; it plows a Wholesome Foods employee to the ground. F stands on top of a pile of tomatoes.)

F: I am the Tomato-nator. The Red Destroyer. And I! WILL!! NOT!! STOP!!!

Farmer's Market, earlier; Alphabet Farms booth
(A time card reading "EARLIER" pops up on screen. Scene cuts to the Farmer's Market.)

A: Ah, nice day for the Farmer's Market. (wipes a tomato and kisses it) Our tomatoes are gonna fly off the shelves.

F: Especially with my expert marketing techniques. (holding an arrow sign reading "Tasty-Est Tomatoes in Town!") No one can resist the allure of a sign.

Q: And I came up with the tomato process. (shows a sign reading "Tomatoes $1000 each; whispers) We're gonna be rich...

A: (erases it) Noooo, sweetie, we're not one of those corporate stores that gouges people. That's the whole point of the Farmer's Market: to have a place for the little guys.

N: I didn't come here for all this tomato talk! I came here to find a pepper so hot it'll be worthy of my 10-Alarm Chilli!

A: I'd be happy to show you the pepper farmer--

(A is grabbed by N.)

N: We're leavin'. Now!

A: (is dragged away by N) Alright, N! (to F and Q) You two stay out of trouble! And take care of the booth!

F: You got it big guy! I shall defend the booth with my life if I have to! (Q starts to laugh at him) I'll strike down any folks who dare cross our path!

(An unknown shadow approaches them.)

O: Well, look who's mindin' the booth.

F: O?

O: That's right, Letter beans! It's me, O. Manager of Wholesome Foods grocery store, and modern renaissance man.

Q: Last time we saw you, didn't you chip your tooth?

O: Uh, yeah. Thanks to you. But! Quick trip to the dentist, and these babies are as good as new. A good-ol' composite resin. (grins; teeth shines)

Q: A dentistry miracle...

F: Ssh. (to O) What are you doin' at the Farmer's Market, anyway?

O: I'm here with Wholesome Foods' brand new market booth, and I just wanted to come around and see my competish'.

F: What? Wholesome Foods is a grocery store! You can't sell here!

(O looks down at F.)

O: Huh. That's weird. 'Cause I already am. That's business, kid! Nothing personal. Well, kinda is. Smell you later!

(F is enraged.)

F: Grr! (grabs...) Q, we have to stop O.

Q: Papa told us not to get in any trouble.

F: Q. Dad told us to protect the booth. The Farmer's Market's for the little guy. We need to take him down before he takes us down.

Q: You make a solid argument... (F grins) I'm in. But we have to do this smart. I'll get into character.

Pepper district
(A and N traverse the pepper district of the market.)

A: Ah, the Pepper District. If you wanna find a hot pepper, this is where you find it.

N: (covers A's mouth) Hush your mouth! Target acquired...

(N walks toward a cyan man.)

Blue man: Free sample? Free spicy pepper sample?

N: Gimme that!

(N tries the pepper, and spits it out.)

N: You call this SPICY??! (throws plate) YOU'RE FIRED!

(The blue man is terrified.)

A: Heh, don't worry! She can't fire you! (walks away) At least I don't think she can...

(N tries some peppers...)

Purple female seller: Samples of the scorchers?

N: Mediocre.

Letter male seller: Hottest peppers in the market!

N: Baby food.

Other Letter male seller: These'll burn you right up!

N: Forgettable!

Other Letter male seller: Well, you gotta be kiddin' me...

N: 'ISN'T THERE ANYONE OUT HERE WHO CAN BRING THE HEAT??! '

(A foot steps in.)

???: Did somebody call for... (drops hood) heat? (wiggles fingers)

A: What the...

N: I'm goin' with him.

Nearby Alphabet Farms booth
(The Wholesome Foods booth...)

O: Step right up, to Wholesome Foods! And don't worry, everybody, there's plenty of room back here for all of your money.

Purple female: Oh thank goodness.

F: ''Attention, Wholesome Foods customers! (he is flying on the sign he made)'' Put down your wads of cash. I come bearing terrible news! (lands on the roof of the stall) Wholesome Foods produce is HAUNTED! (sign says just that; he flips it around; the sign reads "Letter FARMS - Haunting free since '93") So head on over to Alphabet Farms.

O: We're not "haunted"!

(A ghost - obviously Q - jumps out of the booth. Everyone is terrified.)

The ghost (Q): Beware... Be - ugh!

(The ghost collides with a man, and falls. The man tries to help it up, but the ghost has already gotten up)

The ghost: Thank you! (back in character; everyone starts to chatter) Iiiiii'm the ghost of Mrs. Wholesome! I've come back to teach you the true meaning of Christmas! And also to haunt your foooood... (touches Wholesome tomato stock) Haunted. Haunted. You're really haunted.

O: Clearly, this is a snail, wearing a bedsheet.

Cyan female: (who was inspecting a produce) I can't eat haunted food. My nutritionist would kill me.

O: Are you kidding me?! (F leads the crowd to his stand) She doesn't even have EYEHOLES! Alright, F. You wanna play like that, huh?

Pepper district; nearby alleyway
(A and N follow the mysterious merchant to an alleyway.)

Pepper merchant: Come, come! I'll take you to the real pepper market!

A: ...I'm not so sure about this, N.

N: Don't got'o, Ayyy boy!

Farmer merchant's tent
(Inside the tent...)

Pepper merchant: I'm home, sweeties! Welcome to my piquant pepper palace! (points at one) Looks like we've got a discount on the Curly Goblin Feet peppers! (and another) I think these wailing jalapeños are calling out for you! (and another) Those are some of my special super spicy boys. Go ahead and try one.

N: (who had tried one) A tingle. Is that the best you have to offer? You holdin' out on me, boy?? Where you hidin' the good stuff?

Pepper merchant: (gasps) Finally, a worthy palette! (wiggles his fingers again) I have just the thing...

Nearby Wholesome Foods booth
(F is luring customers into his booth.)

F: Step right up! We've got tomatoes for everyone!

O: Folks, Wholesome Foods have just partnered up with Japanese yuru-chara icon... (Japanese music starts playing) Tomato-san! Dance, Tomato-san, dance!

(Tomato-san starts to dance, luring interested customers to the Wholesome Foods stall.)

F: Ladies and gentlemen, wait! If you don't buy our tomatoes, my poor snail won't be able to afford her accordion lessons!

Q: ("tearing" up) H... how will I ever learn... to polka?

(The customers from earlier sympathize with Q, going back to their stall.)

Customers: Aw...

O: Tomato-san, you're fired. (kicks Tomato-san down) Alright, kid, that's enough. Let's talk this through.

(F walks up to O.)

F: What's there to talk about, besides getting you outside this farmer's market? You greasy snake!

O: Rat boy!

(Customers look at both as they throw insults at each other.)

F: Two-face goblin!

O: Barefoot... overalls... kid?

F: Shallow jerk-faced cool guy wannabe no-good SWINDLER! 

(F smiles smugly, for he had won the insult war. Bystanders point at him.)

Customers: Ooooooooh!

(O is steamed.)

O: Ugghhhh... (dials a number) THAT'S IT!

F: What'cha doin', O? Calling your mama?

O: I'm calling in... Protocol C! (A Wholesome Foods Van drives up...) And the "C" stands for... coupons.

(...And from its roof emerges a turret, which spews out coupons.)

F: Huh? (eyes are covered with a coupon)

(The cyan girl from earlier recieves a coupon...)

Cyan female: Coupons?

(...and so does a dark blue female...)

Dark blue female: Coupons?

(...And everyone rushes out of their stalls in a frenzy to obtain them.)

O: Ha hah... I think I'll set up another booth. And another! I won't stop until this whole farmer's market is Wholesome Foods!

F: (vengeful) If you want a war, O... (tears coupon) THEN YOU'VE GOT ONE.

Pepper merchant's tent
Pepper merchant: So, you want to try my most powerful pepper, do you? (opens curtain) Just say the magic words... Shmida-be-be!

(Focus on a chest surrounded by candles and a small skull.)

Pepper merchant: Hotter than seven thousand suns. Behold! (opens the chest, revealing...) The Sultan Pepper! Even looking at it is enough to make a lesser man's eyes water.

A: (whose eyes are watering) Uh... he's right!

Pepper merchant: It truly is the spiciest pepper. (laughs with flames behind him... then seconds later the pepper is missing from its chest) ...huh? (N is about to eat the pepper) Oh! ''No! No!!! (N eats the pepper anyway) No! No one's ever eaten the whole thing''! Someone call a mouth doctor! (A gasps, and does it) Oh geez, I'm gonna have to move cities again! ...Huh?? (N likes it)

N: (small fire shoots out of her mouth) Zesty.

Pepper merchant: My word! You're more than a follower of the heat. You are the heat incarnate! (gives N more peppers) Here, take my whole supply of Sultan Peppers. I bestow them on to you!

N: (grabs the bag) Heck yeah!

A: Ughhh...

Alphabet Farms booth
Q: F, are we on the same page here? Is this still about protectin' Papa's booth?

F: Of course! The best defence is a good offence. Don't worry Q, we'll get 'em.

Q: Heh...

'''F: (picks up a megaphone) FARMERS OF THE MARKET! (customers notice) Wholesome Foods are trying to take us little guys down! But this is OUR turf!'''

Bearded male: That small boy's got a point.

Mustached male: We should do something!

Bearded male: Something drastic!

O: Money, please.

Cyan female: Here comes my cash!

(The cyan girl from earlier is about to give O her money, when...)

'F: WHOLESOME FOODS IS THE ARMPIT,'' AND WE! ARE! THE DEODORANT! '''

(O is steamed, again.)

O: Grr. Rally the troops.

Wholesome employee 1: Yes, sir.

F: His army is mobilising as we speak!

(The van from earlier pulls up, and out comes several Wholesome Foods employees, amongst them G and P.)

F: Now is the time... (climbs up to the roof of the stall) TO RISE!!!

O: If you think you scare me, kid... (climbs up to the roof of the stall) ...then you've got ANOTHER thing coming!!!

Q: Oh, this is not going to end well...

All-out tomato warfare
(A piece of lettuce rolls across the screen a'la a Spaghetti Western, as the scene takes on a dull Letterish grey hue. F and O utter a war-cry, then throw tomatoes at each other. The tomatoes strike their faces...)

F and O: Grr... GET 'EM!!!

(The market is now a tomato battlefield. Farmers and Wholesome Foods employees throw tomatoes at each other, with F and O respectively rallying them. A customer - the man Q bumped into earlier - ducks behind the Letters' stall.)

(Several Wholesome Foods employees, farmers and even customers alike are pelted with tomatoes. One customer in particular gets tomatoes pelted at both her eyes, obscuring her vision.)

(A Wholesome Foods employee gets into the van and loads the turret with tomatoes, which fire at a very fast rate and clearing out a line of farmers. However, F throws a pineapple at it, breaking the turret.)

F: Ha!

O: Grr... huh? (He shields himself using another employee, letting him take the hits. He then throws him into the ground.) Ha! Didn't hit me! Doesn't count!

F: That so counts!!!

(A stray tomato is caught by Q.)

Q: You were meant for better things...

(Chaos continues.)

F: I am the Tomato-nator. The Red Destroyer. And I! WILL!! NOT!! STOP!!!

Q: F, stop! What are you doin'? You've become caught up in a petty cycle of revenge and one-upsmanship!

F: You're right. And I need to break out of it by defeating O!

Q: No! That's not it! You can only break the cycle by deciding enough is enough!

F: But Q, we have to save the Farmer's Market! The little guys depend on it!

Q: F, look... This pointless fightin' isn't saving the market. It's destroying it!

(A purple Wholesome employee and P lie, defeated, groaning.)

Cyan Wholesome employee: I can't afford... dry cleaning... (drops down)

F: (gasps) Our booth...

(The booth lies in wreckage. The "Tasty-Est Tomatoes in Town!" sign drops to the ground.)

F: Q, you're right. (slides down the tomatoes) I've gone too far.

Q: Where are you goin'?

F: I'm going to make things right.

(At O.)

O: (to a headset) Get me more tomatoes!

F: O! O, I don't like you and you don't like me. But this fightin' can't go on. (puts his tomatoes down, evoking surprise from bystanders) We need to set aside our pride before both our businesses are destroyed. Will you join me?

O: ...Really? No... no tricks? No tomatoes behind your back?

F: No, sir, (smiles and holds out his hand) only my honest hand.

O: (grins evilly, thinking he's forfeiting) Good.

F: (shocked) Huh?

(Just then, he is pelted with a tomato!)

F: AAGH!!

O: Haha! Sucker. O doesn't settle!

(O continues to pelt F with tomatoes, before he goes down.)

O: What - whaaaaat!! That's right, baby! '''CHIP! CHIP! CHIP!''' (his employees and a ballcap customer glares at him) Ch... Come on, everybody, why aren't you chanting?

Pale Wholesome employee: (Disgusted) You just DECIMATED an unarmed child!

Q: (runs up to him; dramatically) Brother... You were so young!

Pale blue Customer: (gets up) Wow, what a jerk.

Purple female: No way we're shopping at Wholesome Foods anymore.

Pale Wholesome employee: Yeah, we quit. C'mon, fellas.

(The bystanders leave.)

O: Wait! Where y'all going?? I WON!!!

(F, in Q's arms, wakes up.)

F: Egh... Q... Did I... do good?

Q: Yup. You did it real good, brother.

(The background colors go back to normal.)

Alphabet Farms booth
(A and N return.)

A: What in the world...?

N: Did you kids start a war without your gramma??

F and Q: Sorry, N...

Cyan female: (runs up to them) Hey there. I got hit in the mouth by one of your tomatoes, and they were delicious! (holds up a wad of cash) Do you have any left?

A: Well, sure! But what the heck happened to 'ya?

O (OS): O happened.

A: O?

O: (stomps up to them maliciously) O "Your worst NIGHTMARE " Whistler!!! (walks up to F) Oh ho ho. Smart trick, kid. Turning EVERYONE against me. But O. Sees. Right. THROUGH YOU. (he's at the booth) And I still got some tricks of my own. (bites into Letter Famlly Farms tomatoes; with tomatoes in his mouth) Good luck... selling your food! WITH BITES TAKEN OUT OF 'EM! (continues to bite into them)

N: HEY! You better leave before I decide to get nasty... (O snatches the bag of Sultan Peppers) What?

O: Oh-ho, you thought you could hide some from me.

'''A: NO, WAIT! STOP!''' Oh, what the heck...

(Laughing, O eats the entire bag of peppers.)

O: Mmm-hmmhmm...Oh. No, no. Hot. Hot. (his taste buds burn...) Hnnnnn! (...and his new tooth melts) '''MY TOOTH! MY TOOTH!!! '''

(O runs out of the market.)

Q: I guess that means he'll have to revenge us again.

F: Don't worry, we'll be ready. The Letters never forget.

A: ...Oh! (snaps fingers) That O!